Friday, November 30, 2007

FFC (Tims)

I would like to announce the first U.S. government sponsored sports arena, DMV Stadium. Here they play a variety of sporting events, although very few people actually manage to navigate the crisscrossing lines to enter the seating area in order to see them. Beverage stations abound, but you need three forms of ID, a piece of un-opened US mail, and a full body cavity search in order to buy anything. DMV's Stadium also believes in employing only the dullest, most dissatisfied people our great city has to offer, and lord knows there's a ton of them. They will sleep on the job, insult you as you make purchases, and insist that you in no way raise your voice to them. One of the stadium's main attractions is the photograph section where you can take pictures of you and your friends with your favorite athletes. The only catch is, in every photo you look drunk, high, or like you just woke up from a ten year crack coma.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Game of the Year

This Thursday should be the best game of the regular season. The Packers will be taking on the Cowboys in what should be a game replayed later on for the NFC Championship. My honest prediction is a Dallas win, but a betting man might want to take the Packers and the 6.5 points. My pick has nothing to do with me having a man crush on Tony Romo nor the fact that he's been my starting QB on the my fantasy team (which is dominating). The over/under is somewhere around 51. Take the over, its Farve on what might as well be a Monday night game. 2 TDs caught by Driver. So watch it and take Green Bay with the points and the over.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Dear Doubters

I warned you. I explained it to you. Put simply, I told you so. Rex Grossman isn't Brett Favre. He isn't even Kurt Warner. But he certainly is an NFL quarterback and he definitely is the best hurler the Chicago Bears currently employ. He has poise, he has guile, and he has confidence.

He showed all three tonight as he led the Bears to a comeback against the visiting Denver Broncos. Grossman began the game with mediocrity, his passer rating falling somewhere in the low forties by the end of the first half. Both the offense and defense were carried into the waning minutes of the contest by the Bears' own personal Jesus Christ: Devin Hester. All previous thoughts were cast aside, however, as Grossman led the Bears down the field with less than three minutes left and seven points the trailer and pulled off a great drive and a better TD pass to Berrian to tie the game. Five plays later in overtime, including a couple of sniper bolt passes from Grossman, and the Bears have managed to put off an end to their playoff hopes for another week.

Where are the Brian Griese fans out there? Hello? Is this thing on?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

NBA Officials

My new team would be the NBA Officials in Las Vegas. This way it will be easier for them to make bets on sporting events. Also, they wouldn't even have to ref the games any more because the team they bet on would win. The name of the team would "Goranson Guarantee" To replace the refs on the court would be replaced by the cheerleaders. The personality of the team would be over weight men with no families spending all the time in the sports books. They would always be complaining about the calls made by the cheerleaders. Most of them wear glasses thicker than coke bottles. The only team rule is no strippers, The NBA has to keep the good image. Tryouts will be held during March Madness. Further details about making the team will follow.

Friday, November 16, 2007


First off this is a real game. It was made up by a bunch of swim coaches in the 70's. It is sort of like kick ball, but instead of running around the bases, you run to Planet Clair (69 strides from home plate.) To get the runner out the defense must get the basketball back to the Bopper (the pitcher) The kicking team has a 3 people trying to keep the ball away from the Bopper, while the defense tries to get the ball back to the Bopper.) The kicking team can do what ever they want to keep the ball away. Once the batter reaches Plant Clair the rest of his team must yell Zinger before he can run back. The play ends when either the basketball gets back to the Bopper for the batter gets back home. There are 9 innings with 3 outs per side.

Kicking team gets 1 point if the runner reaches Planet Clair
Kicking team gets another point if everyone in the field touches the ball (the runner is off limits until he touches the ball, when he touches the ball the defense can do what ever they want to him)

The team changes sides once they record three outs.

This game is played on a huge field, football field is too small.

Hint: Don't kick the ball with your toe, use the side of your foot unless you want broken toes.

FFC (Tims)

City Pride Baseball League: OK, so this is not going to be one of my normally smartassical (awesome made up word) challenge posts, mostly because I think this idea would be really effing cool to see implemented. Here's how it works:

1. Each designated neighborhood in the 20 most populated cities in America segment themselves to create relatively comparable "neighborhoods". Then you hold a one month round robin baseball tourney in which each neighborhood's team, the players for which must tryout in their respective neighborhoods, and the top team becomes that city's official representative team. E.G. - imagine something like the Wicker Park Wankers becoming the Chicago team.

2. After each city completes it's mini-tourney, you then do the same thing for the top teams in each of the 20 cities, except that the tourney is done single-elimination style, like the Little League World Series.

Now, here are the stipulations. No player may receive any form of compensation whatsoever. All players must have a verifiable full time job in a non-sports related market. All coaches must be under the age of 40 and may not play on the team they coach. Players may be of any age over 18. Players must sign a waiver acknowledging they will do no paid endorsements whatsoever under penalty of castration. All players must live within the city metropolitan area of the city team they represent (No one from Joliet is allowed to play on the Chicago team, for instance)

There you have it. I'm sick of hearing about how much we all hate overpaid players who only play their sport for the money. In this league, it is all about city pride, and nothing else. Oh hell, maybe we should just do the Bar Game Olympics instead....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Welcome Back

Everyone who has known me for five minutes knows my sports affiliations: Cubs, Bulls, Hawks, er...Packers. Okay, so a great majority of my extended is from Green Bay. Okay, so a state that embraces the consumption of cheap beer, dairy products, and various over-processed meat products is a bit too appealing to pass up. So I'm a Packers fan, deal with it.

Having said all that, if the Pack aren't playing the Bears, I'm an instant Bears fan. I live in Chicago after all (unlike some of the pretenders/movers I know). If you look at the early history of this blog you will be forced to admit to one thing: I told you so.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Brian Griese is old and bad, Rex Grossman is young and bad but potentially good, which means he ought to be the everyday starter for your Chicago Bears. He stepped in this evening against the Raiders, a game in which Griese looked mediocre by the way, and threw the game winning touchdown pass. The only thing that was more vomit-inducing than Matt Vasgersian announcing the game (Stick to baseball ****head) was that once again Rex did not start the game. Welcome back, young fella. Try not to eff it up this time.