Something Different

We don't talk much about ourselves on this blog, nor should we, so I'll make this brief. If you ever have had, or in the future experience a panic attack, please keep www.anxietypanic.com in mind. They have a ton of info on ways to cope and get through that particular experience. They aren't dangerous, just ridiculously terrifying, as I found out when I had my first attack this afternoon. It's also hereditary, so ask your parents about if you like. Anyway, back to the manly man-ness of sports.

I Said It Before, I'll Say It Again

Rex Grossman ought to be the Chicago Bears starting quarterback. I mean yesterday, today, tomorrow, and on until the team can draft or sign someone better. I know how he started the year, I know how he struggled at times last year, I know he doesn't have the kind of upside that he did before all those injuries when he was younger.

Guess what? I don't care. The fact of the matter is that Rex Grossman is as good or better thn anyone else they have at the quarterback position. The Bears have fallen once again to the Detroit Lions, during which Griese managed to throw only one TD pass on FOUR interceptions. In the second half, his completion percentage was something around 25%. In comparison, Rex is a pro-bowler.

And yes I remember that fourth quarter rally last week. And yes, Griese looked excellent on that single drive. But unlike some fans and members of the sports media, I watched the entire game and I wasn't impressed. The bottom line? Rex is gone at the end of the year anyway. Why not let him play the next two weeks and see if we can up his value on the trade block market? Personally, I'm looking in the direction of the Cleveland Browns, who have three starting quarterbacks on one team. Rex and Briggs for Brady Quinn? Where do I sign?

Silly sports names

Fine, so I did this at the last minute, but I think its decent. I hope you laugh.

Hockey: Miroslav Satan... when still playing for the Sabres, Satan netted a game winner over New Jersey. The next day, the Buffalo News sports page read "Satan slays Devils"

Baseball: Yorvit Torrealba. Fine, so I had never heard of this guy until Game 1 of the World Series, but this Colorado Rockies catcher has a silly name. Is he Hispanic? Israeli? Russian?

Baseball: Chuck Finley. Makes me nostalgic for those days in elementary school when we'd call him Fuck Chinley. It took me years to learn what that really meant.

Football: Marion Butts. Remember him?! If only this Charger RB played in San Francisco he could legally be marrying butts.

Funny Friday Challenge (Chuck)

After reviewing my names, I realized I went with an anatomy theme. Here are my funniest names in sports.

Baseball-Rusty Kuntz from the Detroit Tigers. I know, great name but keep reading, they get better.

Basketball-Magic Johnson. A Magic Johnson? Maybe, but its not immune to the HIV.

Football-Harry Colon-Defensive back for the Detroit Lions.

Hockey-Adam Foote. One of my favorite NHL players.

NASCAR-Dick Trickle. Ah, Dick Trickle, the smoking while drinking old style while driving NASCAR driver. I don't get racing, but it would only make sense to do it drunk. Trickle was known for installing cigarette lighters in his cars. He also drilled a hole in his helmet so he can smoke through it. On another note, I'm developing a hat with a very long back to shade people from getting a redneck.

Funny Friday Challenge (Tims)

Ahem, the ARE the best names in pro sports:

*Baseball - Grant Balfour: Pronounced like "ball four", this pitcher has struggled in the majors due to his inability to throw strikes. Go figure.

*Football - Priest Holmes: A once dominant NFL running back or a clergyman from Humboldt Park? Can't it be both?

*Basketball - God Shamgod: How can one mother simultaneously show her opinion of her first born and also offend most of the population on the planet? God Shamgod, that's how.

*Hockey - Steve Passmore: I can hear it now.
"Hey, Passmore."
"Screw you, I'm the best shooter on the team."
"No, I'm saying Passmore."
"And I'm saying go fuck yourself." (followed by a slapshot to a teamate's face)

*Volleyball - Karch Karaly: Is it Polish, Lithuanian, Russian, Portuguese? Whatever it is, it's been dominating volleyball for nigh on thirty years. Bow to the master.

+Next weeks challenge: NHL commissioner for a day - You have been made NHL commissioner for one day and are aloud to institute three new rules. What are they?

Another commercial break?!!?!

Watching the World Series is like a war of attrition with my sleep.

How many fucking commercial breaks are they going to take before we end the sixth inning?

I'm so glad we had the time out when Fuentes was warming-up, only for Ortiz to take two swings before another 2-minute commercial break.

This is why MLB has the worst TV ratings ever.

............

Wait, did Boyz II Men just sing God Bless America?

I mean, God bless America, but WTF, I didn't know Boyz II Men were still around.

ABC, BVD

Blackhawks Back On TV

After two generation worth of ownership that refused to change with the times, Rocky Wirtz, son of the late Bill Wirtz, is negotiating with Comcast Sports Network to televise a select number of this seasons Blackhawk home games. While details are scant at this point, the general consensus seems to be that the first such game to appear on the network will be when the Detroit Redwings come to town.

For years, fans and former fans of the downtrodden franchise have decried the policy of not televising home games out of respect to the season ticket holders. Such policies have been routinely blamed for the rapid decline in fan support for the Blackhawks, something Rocky Wirtz is clearly attempting to rectify. With home games once again appearing on local television, prospective fans can actually follow the team, keep up with scores and roster changes, and find an outlet for their interest in Chicago hockey. Perhaps most importantly, fans in general can witness one of the more pleasurable and interest drawing aspects of modern sports: the maturation and development of the teams young prospects.

So here's to you, Rocky Wirtz, for bucking the family tradition and doing what you can to bring the interest in hockey back to Chicago. I, personally, can't wait to watch.

BoSox Do It Again

Class. Attitude. Swagger. All of these words describe the AL Champion Boston Red Sox well, though perhaps not as well as the most important of words: winners. Never before has a team been so prepared to tackle a major deficit in a championship series and yet that takes nothing away from what the New England team has done once again. They have overcome seemingly impossible odds for the second time in four years to make it back to the World Series.

From Theo Epstein on down, this organization represents the pride and class of Major League Baseball. They have youngsters like Pappelbon, they have veterans like Big Poppy. They play quietly like Julio Lugo, they play loudly like Manny Ramirez. They win like...well, like Red Sox.

They even entertain us with their celebration, from Pappelbon's river dancing to the Irish victory music over the P.A. The World Series is coming back to Fenway Park, so get out your bottles of whiskey and your Dropkick Murphy songs. This one is going to be a good one.

Funny Friday Challenge (2)

Here is the cast for this years Bears team:

Rex Grossman/George Tenet: Rex finds receivers like the CIA finds WMD's
Brian Griese/John Travolta: Okay, so it's a lame reference to "Grease"
Cedric Benson/Ice Cube: Big headed money grubbing pile of mediocrity anyone?
Moose Muhammad/Bulwinkle: Both are moose and neither can catch
Brian Urlacher/John Favraeau: Seen "The Replacements"?
Peanut Tillman/Li'l John: They are the same person, I swear
Robbie Gould/Jake Gyllanhall: They are young, productive, and I'm wonder where the hell they came from
Devin Hester/Buckwheat: Running back kicks is Ooooh-Tey
Lance Briggs/Britney Spears: Apparently they went to they same Driving School
Lovie Smith/John Amos: Seriously, they have the EXACT same skull
John Madden/Jabba The Hut: Interesting side note, they speak the same unintelligable language

Check back for next weeks challenge: The Best Names In Sports

Friday Funny Challenge

Let's face it, the Bears are a train wreck. So what we've got here is a train wreck of mammoth proportions. I'm talking Harrison Ford The Fugitive train wreck. As my first piece for this blog, I've taken this very seriously and have put together the ultimate Bears team. Let's check the squad.

1. Rex Grossman-Substituted with Stewie Griffin..(have you seen Rex's eyebrows?)
2. Brian Griese-Swapped for his dad, Bob Griese. Bob is way better and we don't need to buy a new jersey (I should make a New Jersey joke here).
3. Cedric Benson-Upgraded to Anna Benson for obvious reasons.

4. Moose Muhammad-There's only one good moose and his buddy is Rocky.
5. Brian Urlacher- John Favreau, but John from The Replacements


6. Peanut Tillman-The obvious backup, the Planter's Peanut guy, Mr. Peanut
7. Robbie Gould-Ha, Elliot Gould. The man can kick a matza ball 73 yards.

8. Devin Hester-If the NFL would allow a crack rock to be placed in the end zone, I'm going with Tyrone Biggums. He smokes rocks!

9. Lance Briggs-Nicole Ritchie "Hey Lance, I bet you can't get your Lambo on the otherside of that median" ..."Hey Nicole, I bet you can't drive high on the wrong side of the freeway."
10. Lovie Smith-Bubba from Forest Gump. I can't help to think of Lovie cooking italian beef a million different ways.

11. John Madden-My favorite trade of all time. "In the second round of the 2008 NFL Draft, Chuck would like to trade John Madden for Wilford Brimley." I'll take that diabetic tough guy any day.
Chuck M.

Dane Cook = Worst MLB Marketing Ploy Ever

Look, I get it. Dane Cook is a relatively young, good looking guy filling the desperate void of our generation's lack of good stand up artists. So my generation is jumping on the bandwagon and turning this guy into a star? Fine. So he's playing gigs he wouldn't stand a chance of getting if he were up against true legends like Robbin Williams, Dave Chappelle, Dennis Leary, or Richard Prior? Fine. So Major League Baseball sends him into my living room to promote the playoffs? Uh, no.

It's not just that I don't want a metro-sexual talking about baseball on my television, although it makes about as much sense as having a Klan leader promoting tolerance. Frankly, I don't need any celebrity. I'm a baseball fan, I watch the games. I'm not a fan, I don't. Dane Cook offers us no incentive for the casual, or less than casual, fan to tune in. It's not like they're going to torture him live during the 7th inning stretch of each game in the World Series, although it's kind of a nice thought.

Bottom line: not only is he not baseball, he isn't funny, either. You want to be Dane Cook funny? Here's the secret. Over pronounce your syllables like Ron Burgandy, use ridiculously obscure words where simple words would suffice, and punctuate repeated humorless punchlines with curse words that haven't been meaningful since George Carlin broke them in forty years ago. Dane Cook says there is only one October. Thank God.

TCSR's First Funny Friday Challenge

A brief announcement since this is a new blog: every Friday will feature a "Funny Friday Challenge" for the site's writers and readers. The first challenge will be to construct a cast for the Chicago Bears 2008 season, consisting of real or fictional characters. In other words, Brian Griese can be represented by either Harrison Ford or Han Solo, makes no difference. If anyone who reads the blog (admittedly a small number at this point) submits a cast, I will post the best one on Friday morning along with the writer's responses. The following are the players/people you must cast for, along with a 7 word optional explanation of your reasoning (i.e. physical resemblance, a propensity for similar actions, etc.). Cheers, and happy casting.

1. Rex Grossman
2. Brian Griese
3. Cedric Benson
4. Moose Muhammad
5. Brian Urlacher
6. Peanut Tillman
7. Robbie Gould
8. Devin Hester
9. Lance Briggs
10. Lovie Smith
11. John Madden

Dusty Baker Returns To The NL Central

Chicago, IL - Don't look now, Cub fans, but one of your division opponents is cementing their position as the leagues dumbest team. The Cincinnati Reds announced that former Cubs manager Dusty Baker will fill their vacant managerial position next year. Most analysts agreed throughout this past season that the Reds were in dire need of one thing: pitching. I submit for your approval their additional need for a front office that focuses on winning as opposed to simply making headlines.

With arguably the league's best offense, the Reds are not that far away from being a playoff ready team. In fact, all they really need is five players. Unfortunately for them, those five players would be three starting pitchers, a seventh inning reliever, and a set-up reliever. Noticing a trend yet? Compare those needs with the painful history of Dusty Baker, and you have a recipe for a team that gives up too many runs, exhausts its pitching staff, overplays unreliable "veterans", and curses the institution of racism when explaining the reasons for its difficulties.

Baker has ridden the laurels of two mildly successful seasons for the better part of the last decade, one with the Giants and one with the Cubs. Perhaps the Reds front office wasn't paying attention to the only lesson worth learning during that time: Dusty Baker simply can't manage under pressure. A regular season in a Cincinnati accustomed to failure might alleviate some of that pressure, but what happens if things go awry and the team makes the playoffs. You will be left with an out managed, un-coached team that will make its exit sooner or later in the brackets. From Lou Piniella to Dusty Baker? Sounds like the wrong direction to me.

Timothy R. Geigner

The Curse Gets Worse

Chicago, IL - Anyone who has spent more than a cursory fifteen minutes examining the state of Chicago baseball understands how divided the city is. For a century plus, Chicago has watched the boys in blue and the men in black, more often than not whilst yanking out tufts of hair and grinding teeth in frustration. That all changed a few years ago when the Chicago White Sox managed to win the World Series in the kind of convincing fashion that raises eyebrows. On the north side of Chicago, those eyebrows were lifted in the direction of the Tribune company.

Since then the scenery on the field has changed, though the results on the diamond arguably have not. The Tribune Company has been sold, Sammy Sosa has been banished to the American League, and the payroll has skyrocketed with additions like Alfonso Soriano, Ted Lilly, and Mark DeRosa. So why are fans still shaking our heads in worry?

Because this all seems depressingly familiar to Cubs fans. Soriano's contract looks an awful lot like the one Sosa signed, except longer and more expensive. What's worse, his numbers on the field are strikingly congruent: the high number of strikeouts, the injuries, the inability to perform in the clutch. Add to that a periodically lazy Ramirez, an aging Derek Lee's depleted power levels, and a Jaque Jones contract that makes even less fiscal sense today than it did a couple of years ago when it was announced, and things begin to seem positively dire. True, the Cubs have a plethora of youngsters that look like potential stars in the National League. Kids like Theriot, Pie, Soto, and Hill might make Cubs fans think the future is bright. Unfortunately, the window is closing on the aging veterans and soon the youngsters will be all grown up and left without key players in key positions. Confounding matters further is the uncertainty over who will own the franchise in the coming years. Those who follow the NBA find themselves torn over front-runner Mark Cuban, who has simultaneously brought the Dallas Mavericks back from oblivion while embarrassing the franchise, and the NBA's front office, on a semi-regular basis.

All in all, fans have seen this script before. Make sure you Cubs fans make a big bowl of popcorn and bring the tissues. Old Yeller wouldn't make you cry like the habitual ending of this rerunning movie.

Timothy R. Geigner

Photo Courtesy of http://notesfromatransitionalfossil.blogspot.com/