Friday, November 30, 2007

FFC (Tims)

I would like to announce the first U.S. government sponsored sports arena, DMV Stadium. Here they play a variety of sporting events, although very few people actually manage to navigate the crisscrossing lines to enter the seating area in order to see them. Beverage stations abound, but you need three forms of ID, a piece of un-opened US mail, and a full body cavity search in order to buy anything. DMV's Stadium also believes in employing only the dullest, most dissatisfied people our great city has to offer, and lord knows there's a ton of them. They will sleep on the job, insult you as you make purchases, and insist that you in no way raise your voice to them. One of the stadium's main attractions is the photograph section where you can take pictures of you and your friends with your favorite athletes. The only catch is, in every photo you look drunk, high, or like you just woke up from a ten year crack coma.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Game of the Year

This Thursday should be the best game of the regular season. The Packers will be taking on the Cowboys in what should be a game replayed later on for the NFC Championship. My honest prediction is a Dallas win, but a betting man might want to take the Packers and the 6.5 points. My pick has nothing to do with me having a man crush on Tony Romo nor the fact that he's been my starting QB on the my fantasy team (which is dominating). The over/under is somewhere around 51. Take the over, its Farve on what might as well be a Monday night game. 2 TDs caught by Driver. So watch it and take Green Bay with the points and the over.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Dear Doubters

I warned you. I explained it to you. Put simply, I told you so. Rex Grossman isn't Brett Favre. He isn't even Kurt Warner. But he certainly is an NFL quarterback and he definitely is the best hurler the Chicago Bears currently employ. He has poise, he has guile, and he has confidence.

He showed all three tonight as he led the Bears to a comeback against the visiting Denver Broncos. Grossman began the game with mediocrity, his passer rating falling somewhere in the low forties by the end of the first half. Both the offense and defense were carried into the waning minutes of the contest by the Bears' own personal Jesus Christ: Devin Hester. All previous thoughts were cast aside, however, as Grossman led the Bears down the field with less than three minutes left and seven points the trailer and pulled off a great drive and a better TD pass to Berrian to tie the game. Five plays later in overtime, including a couple of sniper bolt passes from Grossman, and the Bears have managed to put off an end to their playoff hopes for another week.

Where are the Brian Griese fans out there? Hello? Is this thing on?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

NBA Officials

My new team would be the NBA Officials in Las Vegas. This way it will be easier for them to make bets on sporting events. Also, they wouldn't even have to ref the games any more because the team they bet on would win. The name of the team would "Goranson Guarantee" To replace the refs on the court would be replaced by the cheerleaders. The personality of the team would be over weight men with no families spending all the time in the sports books. They would always be complaining about the calls made by the cheerleaders. Most of them wear glasses thicker than coke bottles. The only team rule is no strippers, The NBA has to keep the good image. Tryouts will be held during March Madness. Further details about making the team will follow.

Friday, November 16, 2007


First off this is a real game. It was made up by a bunch of swim coaches in the 70's. It is sort of like kick ball, but instead of running around the bases, you run to Planet Clair (69 strides from home plate.) To get the runner out the defense must get the basketball back to the Bopper (the pitcher) The kicking team has a 3 people trying to keep the ball away from the Bopper, while the defense tries to get the ball back to the Bopper.) The kicking team can do what ever they want to keep the ball away. Once the batter reaches Plant Clair the rest of his team must yell Zinger before he can run back. The play ends when either the basketball gets back to the Bopper for the batter gets back home. There are 9 innings with 3 outs per side.

Kicking team gets 1 point if the runner reaches Planet Clair
Kicking team gets another point if everyone in the field touches the ball (the runner is off limits until he touches the ball, when he touches the ball the defense can do what ever they want to him)

The team changes sides once they record three outs.

This game is played on a huge field, football field is too small.

Hint: Don't kick the ball with your toe, use the side of your foot unless you want broken toes.

FFC (Tims)

City Pride Baseball League: OK, so this is not going to be one of my normally smartassical (awesome made up word) challenge posts, mostly because I think this idea would be really effing cool to see implemented. Here's how it works:

1. Each designated neighborhood in the 20 most populated cities in America segment themselves to create relatively comparable "neighborhoods". Then you hold a one month round robin baseball tourney in which each neighborhood's team, the players for which must tryout in their respective neighborhoods, and the top team becomes that city's official representative team. E.G. - imagine something like the Wicker Park Wankers becoming the Chicago team.

2. After each city completes it's mini-tourney, you then do the same thing for the top teams in each of the 20 cities, except that the tourney is done single-elimination style, like the Little League World Series.

Now, here are the stipulations. No player may receive any form of compensation whatsoever. All players must have a verifiable full time job in a non-sports related market. All coaches must be under the age of 40 and may not play on the team they coach. Players may be of any age over 18. Players must sign a waiver acknowledging they will do no paid endorsements whatsoever under penalty of castration. All players must live within the city metropolitan area of the city team they represent (No one from Joliet is allowed to play on the Chicago team, for instance)

There you have it. I'm sick of hearing about how much we all hate overpaid players who only play their sport for the money. In this league, it is all about city pride, and nothing else. Oh hell, maybe we should just do the Bar Game Olympics instead....

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Welcome Back

Everyone who has known me for five minutes knows my sports affiliations: Cubs, Bulls, Hawks, er...Packers. Okay, so a great majority of my extended is from Green Bay. Okay, so a state that embraces the consumption of cheap beer, dairy products, and various over-processed meat products is a bit too appealing to pass up. So I'm a Packers fan, deal with it.

Having said all that, if the Pack aren't playing the Bears, I'm an instant Bears fan. I live in Chicago after all (unlike some of the pretenders/movers I know). If you look at the early history of this blog you will be forced to admit to one thing: I told you so.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Brian Griese is old and bad, Rex Grossman is young and bad but potentially good, which means he ought to be the everyday starter for your Chicago Bears. He stepped in this evening against the Raiders, a game in which Griese looked mediocre by the way, and threw the game winning touchdown pass. The only thing that was more vomit-inducing than Matt Vasgersian announcing the game (Stick to baseball ****head) was that once again Rex did not start the game. Welcome back, young fella. Try not to eff it up this time.

Friday, November 9, 2007

FFC (Tims)

When I was thirteen, I was still playing Peewee Football for the Elmhurst Eagles. At the same size I am today (yes, I was the exact same size and weight in 8th grade as I am now), I was probably the biggest defensive end this goofy league had ever seen. As such, two things occurred: I was always clad in the older, beat up loose jerseys, since the only ones that fit me were made for much fatter linemen, and secondly I had a pretty good reputation for getting to the Quarterback on sacks. On one particular Saturday morning, playing against the team from Robbins, I was having a good game (two sacks already). On one play in the third quarter, I blew by the linemen and had a free look at the QB who was dropping back to pass. With his arm out, I took a swipe at the ball, attempting to cause a fumble. Um, I failed, but in typical Tim Geigner fashion, I failed spectacularly. My momentum caused me to tip forward, fall over, and do the most uncoordinated somersault of all time. As chance would have it, my upturned legs manage to do what my arm couldn't and kicked the ball loose, which bonked off of my helmet and landed in front of me. I promptly dove on the football, adding a fumble recovery to my stats, and marched off the field victorious.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Here Is The Difference

As the Bulls dropped another game tonight to bring their early record to a stunningly bad 0-4, it started me thinking of the good old days. More importantly, it started me thinking about the difference between the Jordan era teams and these baby Bulls. I don't want to discuss the obvious: the different players, a different coaching staff, etc. I'm more interested in the ethereal, the non-tangible differences.

They simply feel different, don't they? I remember watching the Bulls back in the late 90's and simply KNOWING they were going to win. Every game. Every Night. Every year. Maybe this team could be something special, but maybe not. Back in the day, their simply was no question. They WERE something special and proved such on a nightly basis.

What's the point? I'm simply sick of hearing about how these new Bulls regularly have dropped to terrible early season records only to bounce back into the playoffs. Take a gander at the 72-10 Bulls. Did they drop their first three? Four? Nine? No, in fact they won their first eighteen, if memory serves. I want those Bulls back. And I expect Paxon to do what it takes to bring them to me, or else get the hell out of town.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Offensive Line

Dear Chicago Bears Fan,

You are stupid. I’d like to thank you personally for being an idiot. You and your cub fan counterparts have ruined home games for smart people. This weekend I could have purchased tickets to the San Fran vs. Atlanta game. These 4 tickets, yes 4, in the 200 level would have cost me a total of $200. Yes I know, the Falcons are terrible with only 2 wins. I’ve got a secret. The Bears only have 3! $200 might let me peak inside a Bears game from the 300 level next to some half-retarded guy still wearing his Refrigerator Perry shirt and zuba pants. I was there in attendance at the Vikings vs. Bears game. I was given this ticket at no charge, a Cadillac club level ticket with a face value of $295. This is ridiculous. If people were willing to pay top dollar for bad food, McDonald’s would get rid of the dollar menu. Stop paying too much for crappy football. I enjoy going to games, I’m a fan, but I’m not stupid. I dream of a city that doesn’t just go to the game because “that’s what you do.” I want the fans to go because the team wants everyone there. When a fan gets a decent price to go to a crappy game, I’ll stop calling you all stupid. If I’m paying that much, I might as well get some quality. “Oh, its all about the experience,” is not rationalizing your lack of intelligence. My prime example is the White Sox. When the team was doing horrible at the end of the season tickets were nearly free. The Bears hope for post-season play is nearly gone. Let’s get some cheap seats. Until then, I’ll be going to other stadiums to watch fan-friendly teams.

“It’s always better to pissed off than pissed on”


Friday, November 2, 2007

New NHL Rules (Brusier)

The first rule is to ad cheerleaders for each time with tight t-shirts and mini skirts for the uniforms. Plus they can raise a lot of money for charity.

The second rule is to advance the President Cup winner to the finals so I am not heart broken every year when the Wings lose in the first round to a #8 team.

The third rule is to cut out the interviews during the games with the players and the coaches. No one gives good answers they are just too PC.

FFC NHL Rules (Tim)

If I were NHL commissioner for a day, these would be my three rule changes:

1. New NHL Title 8 program: For every Canadian team, there must be a team based in Mexico. Watching Alejandro slide around on the ice would be too funny to miss.

2. Any goalie wearing an old-school hockey mask must also replace their stick with an old-school Jason knife.

3. No more throwing octopus on the ice. Instead, we will hand out official NHL stamped cherry bombs.

New NHL Rules

Mine might be too dangerous

1. Goalie's are allowed 1 pad of their choice. I go with just a stick-side blocker.
2. When down by 3 or more goals, an extra player would be allowed on the ice by the team that's down.
3. The Canadian National Anthem is banned, for the simple fact that I don't know it.

Now playing: Beastie Boys - Time To Get Ill
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, November 1, 2007

If I were NHL commissioner for a day...

If I were National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman I would...

- Move the Phoenix Coyotes back to Winnipeg
- Fold the Nashville Predators and the Florida Panthers and give new franchises to Quebec City and Hartford, Conn.
- Have the home teams wear white sweaters (like they used to and aught to)
- Make the Buffalo Sabres get rid of their horrid "Buffaslug" logo
- Get rid of the trapezoid area behind the net that goalies are restricted to handling the puck around
- Execute Rod Brind'amour and replace him with Tim Geigner because I have homosexual dreams about him on a nearly constant basis.