Fine, so I did this at the last minute, but I think its decent. I hope you laugh.
Hockey: Miroslav Satan... when still playing for the Sabres, Satan netted a game winner over New Jersey. The next day, the Buffalo News sports page read "Satan slays Devils"
Baseball: Yorvit Torrealba. Fine, so I had never heard of this guy until Game 1 of the World Series, but this Colorado Rockies catcher has a silly name. Is he Hispanic? Israeli? Russian?
Baseball: Chuck Finley. Makes me nostalgic for those days in elementary school when we'd call him Fuck Chinley. It took me years to learn what that really meant.
Football: Marion Butts. Remember him?! If only this Charger RB played in San Francisco he could legally be marrying butts.